A little life

TW- Self-harm, suicide, paedophilia, death, sexual assault, graphic violence.

"Fairness is for happy people, for people who have been lucky enough to have lived a life defined more by certainties than by ambiguities. Right and wrong, however, are for—well, not unhappy people, maybe, but scarred people; scared people."

Did I read this? God, why did I read this book? I underestimated the amount of damage this book could wreak. Am I ready to write about this? It's been more than a week since I finished this book and I'm still not over it. In times like this, I am astonished by the craft of writing, how an author could create characters and a story around them that could wreck a reader's heart. I still don't know what I want to write in this post. It's no wonder I'm tearing up now because this book destroyed me. Perhaps the word 'destroyed' is too little to what I felt. A thought my brain screamed at me after reading this book is "I need therapy".

I was in a state of limbo after reading "A little life". The characters felt real, their story felt real, their trauma felt real. Nothing made sense anymore. I suppose I should hate this book but strangely, I love this book for making me feel all those emotions for characters who aren't even real, to begin with. Isn't it contradictory to feel many emotions and no emotions at the same time? My mind is still a jumbled mess.

The story follows the lives of four friends- JB, Malcolm, Willem and Jude right from their college days through their adult life. The impact of Jude's past on their friendship makes Jude the central point of this book. Saying this book is completely sad without any happy moments is wrong. This book had happy moments too but those moments are eclipsed by devastating parts. " A little Life", isn't this name ironic for a book that created a void in my heart? One that could never be cured.

"And so I try to be kind to everything I see, and in everything I see, I see him." - Harold. The book had seven chapters in total. The first chapter explored the pasts of every character except Jude. There is depth to each of those characters. They are far from being perfect. JB's diabolical nature, Malcolm's aloofness, and Willem's kind-heartedness showed the dynamics they bring to their friendship. Jude was maintained as an enigma in the whole chapter. Despite being with his friends for years they too hadn't known anything of his past. This intrigued me to know about him.

The second chapter starts with Jude. I wasn't prepared for that grief. His past was marred with traumatising and terrorising events that burdened me with an agony I couldn't wash away. After seeing some interviews I got to know that Hanya Yanagihara's sole intention for creating Jude's past is just to evoke a reaction out of the reader. It is to see who would stick around to read his complete story. I don't know how to feel about that.

Jude's past was traumatising, yes, but it had a shock value. The shock of 'how could a child go through this?' situation. It was the "present Jude" that had endured the past, was devastating to read. The little moments we see in his daily life, his self-loathing that is so deeply etched into his bones, his self-harm, were the things so hard to read.

The novel progresses with Jude trying to overcome his past. The characters- William, Harold, Andy helping him through this. God, these characters! They are so beautiful. The way they help Jude, the way they try to understand him. I literally don't have any words for that.

The book is without a doubt overwritten. At many points, I wondered, was that really necessary? But I guess I can't complain because the writing was the crux to the whole story. It made me feel like I was inside the characters' heads and witnessing everything in detail, living with them through their hardships. Yanagihara's unflinching depiction of Jude's story made this an unforgettable read.

Coming to the ending of the book. Did I expect it? Yes, I did. Was I ready for it then? No, I wasn't. Did I cry? Yes, like a baby. I would recommend this book to everyone. Yes, the book was a continuous torture to my heart, but I'd still recommend this. Hopefully, I will get the courage to reread this book sometime in future. Who am I kidding? I'd never touch this book again.